Changeling

It occurs to me that the world is saturated

I have finally seen that the world can become saturated

after stumbling through a collectively

mind numbing

horrifying

overflowing year. 

I have finally seen that the world I thought I knew and loved

the world I never thought twice about

the world I simply lived in, as we all do –

I have finally seen that the world 

can change 

utterly,

that the world can be unrecognizable --

is that it?

or -- is it this -- 

I have finally seen that

this world is unknowable

that the world is a shape-shifter, a changeling.

 

It occurs to me 

living in this world can feel like

being in a city, a city in a foreign country

a city that I’ve never visited before

never lived in before.

It occurs to me – 

I have finally seen --

that the world can be

living in this foreign city against my will.

I had no choice.

I was astonished when it happened.

Now I am stuck in this world
for an extended period of time

perhaps, forever.

 

It occurs to me that

the world can transform, 

transform violently and quick

hurling me across the room,

pitching me

like a fastball a spitball a slider.

I have finally seen that the world is in charge of me

And I am not in charge of the world.

 

 

It occurs to me 

having finally seen the world as it is

as it really, truly is

after living with insecurity day after day after day

after living with heartache, heartbreak

with anger, frustration, fear

having finally felt utter joy in

the triumph of small victories – 

an unexpectedly balmy day in the middle of January

the sun kissing my cheek

like a promise, like a prayer.
 

It occurs to me that I have finally seen the world

and that the world has become saturated –

it was always saturated.

I have finally seen that the world is full, then empty

half dry half wet,

wrung out briefly,

full and overflowing again.

It occurs to me that the world is

like the ancient but faithful sponge

that has resided on the edge of my sink for 

far too long.

Unknowable and unlikeable,

beautiful, tried and true,

weary

ever-present

unpredictable.